June 26, 2012

35. Priorities

On my way home at half past two in the morning I am not thinking so much about the sexdate I just had as about the peculiar smile of gratitude of the two Russian guys to whom I gave the one euro they asked two hours ago.

It is not that the sex was average, not worth thinking about. It is simply that my unconscious selects other kinds of things for recollection.

* * *

I must write for my blog to the point of exhaustion, for it is only then, I believe, that I can fully concentrate on writing more seriously.

June 25, 2012

34. Germans

Teenagers playing adults.

When I face them with an unconventional view of life they stubbornly dismiss it with a "Quatsch!" and reaffirm their conformist and romantic beliefs without even trying to understand what I wanted to say.

June 23, 2012

33. Genet for Lawyers

Those with whom I studied law years ago at university - and those who want to understand why I have, in professional terms, quit law altogether - should read or see on stage 'The Balcony' by Jean Genet. Endowed with a powerful insight into the ways how people adopt, execute and create social roles, this play also mirrors my thoughts and feelings of the days when I realised that the majority of my coursemates - and even teachers - were more lured by the image, by the prestige of the judge, of the solicitor, of the prosecutor, clothes in which they were willing to dress themselves for years to come, than by the domain of law itself. The only professors who inspired me were those who taught the 'boring' subjects, subjects whose relation with law practice is distant or arbitrary.

June 17, 2012

32. Weekends

I would like to frequent gay bars and clubs in Tallinn, but I don't have any friends to do it with (my social life consists of rare meetings with the few good acquaintances I have here, occasional Skype and Facebook chats with friends who live abroad, and random dates) and I'm too shy to do it alone right away. These places would eventually bore me as much as everything I've grown accustomed to (the entire world is, after all, only a prison for me), but I am glad I still have this scene to discover (or, to be more precise, rediscover). It is my solitude, which I cannot cope with sometimes, that pushes me; I am drawn by the possibility of social experiments, which would help me explore certain aspects of myself, by the idea of debauchery inherent in the club culture (but where oh where will I have Roman-style orgies?). Tallinn is too small a town for alternative types of outings. I am almost always alone on Friday and Saturday nights. The word 'party' terrifies me.

Actually, alone is how I will do it.