August 05, 2007

2. Progress, Postmodernism, and Persona

Lately I have been thinking about my psychological development. As a result of that I am not considering the question about who I am to be the main problem in my life at the moment. What plays a much wider role is my dynamical essence, in other words - where I actually come from. Such an emphasis from static to dynamic is of vital importance for me the time being as it hints to the processes that culminated in turning me into Me. Therefore, who I am now is hardly who I was for example two years ago. The biggest difference is the way I see the world. Even for my own surprise I look back on the darkest moments of my life considering them to be the important anchors that have provided me with many things from which I've had a lot to learn. Knowing that I cannot have these moments back, I still feel that I don't regret anything I have done during all these stages.

Following from the anterior it is a part of my nature to divide my personal history into phases, and surprisingly these phases correspond with the periods of Western cultural history! According to this theory I am currently standing at the end of the era of Romanticism. Looking back on the Middle Ages (or on the history as a whole), which is characteristic for the Romanticist writers and poets, describes me as well these days. In the subsequent I try to write down the short comparison of the western society's and my development from the beginning to present.

My birth and pre-scholar period can be compared to ancient history. I don't remember much of this era (as we don't have much information about the earliest steps of mankind), but some development lines refer to the fact that already then the details characteristic for me of today existed. Those details played an enormous role in my later improvement as well. For instance, the circumstance that as a 4-year-old child I knew all the flags and the capitals of the world's countries by heart yet that was all my knowledge embraced about these countries alludes to the fragmentary Weltanschauung
(again this gorgeous word) of the early human society as well as to early me.

The first school years mark the Antique era in my theory. This period can be described through permanent acquisition of knowledge (compared to Ancient Greece's development of preoccupation) which expressed in its active usage as well as in any leisure time activity (similar to the socio-cultural development in Ancient Rome). In intellectual meaning these years were quite relevant for me as ever since I can be characterised through willingness for working. In more general meaning it can be considered to be the ability to work at myself.

The Middle Ages were one of the most significant periods of my life. In my personal history it began in the 6th or 7th grade when children in general start to grow up. At that time I inbreeded in myself more and more, and the number of people I socialized and spend my time with was a lot smaller than before. I didn't really care about how people see me (in fact, it doesn't matter to me now either, although today I prefer to follow such a principle with the clause "it would be better if people had good thoughts about me"). Most of the time I was occupied by completing my mental skills, and I didn't pay any attention to my appearance as well as to my social side. In the last years of high school I got a clear illumination about the finitude of such a lifestyle (e.g. the school and the teachers' morality as the two swords' theory characteristic for the Middle Ages). However, the escape from this environment was hindered by the location of my hamlet - I wanted to improve but I couldn't do it in the context I was born into (the ceiling was reached, I thought). Such a situation has some similarities with feudalism that impeded the development of capitalistic relations and the culture in the Middle Ages.

The Middle Ages culminated for me with graduating from high school, and the summer of 2005 marks the Renaissance era in my life. As the thinkers and artists of that time saw their ideals in antique culture, I as well tried to follow the principles that were of significant importance for me during my first school years (the reason for that was mainly caused by my intention to go to university). In that summer I also began to see my future in totally different tones. Developing my personality as a whole stood in foreground for me, therefore I also paid bigger attention to my appearance and social skills as well as my emotional side. In practice, moving to Tallinn was really helpful. Renaissance era was also a time of my inner conflicts and choices as I had to decide what to do with my future (the main aspects were bound up with my specialty and sexuality as well). The soundtrack of Nip/tuck
, the rhytms of bossa nova and the song "River" by Bruce Springsteen make me even now feel a bit nostalgic.

The Baroque period of my life encompassed the first six months of the year 2006. During that time I socialized with people more than ever, on account of this I was on the razzle almost every weekend. However, I didn't pay enough attention to my studies, which I deeply regret now. More profound phenomena were nevertheless in my sight at that time but I was occupied by them very briefly by and large. The more I acted for hedonic pleasures, the more I realized that going to the opposite extreme of the Middle Ages would not be a solution for me. Thus, the regress followed in June 2006, herewith my Classicist era began. During the whole summer, my behaviour complied with strict rules and I cerebrated about deep philosophical problems spending a lot of time on my own. The theme songs for that period are Bob Sinclair's "World, Hold On" and "Get Together" by my lovely Madonna.

Wider intellectual concentration brought me to the Enlightenment period in the autumn of 2006. As a result of different investigations characteristic for the Classicist era, I began to give the meaning for all the changes that took place in me during the last year. It concluded with posing the new concrete principles by which to be guided (comparable to the new courses of thought demonstrative of the pre-revolutionary era and the French Revolution). However, in the late fall some sentimental features took place in me as well which brought me to the Romantic epoch as a result. The latter is described amongst many other things by the fact that while arguing I don't pay the only attention to the objective arguments said but also to the processes as a result of which someone claims something (similar to the subjective element of the Romantic era). Soon enough I am facing the Realistic period (am I really going to work?). What I am really interested in is what is going to happen when I find myself at the beginning of the 21st century in my theory - will I broaden my future improvement onto the whole society?

However, there is still a but in the theory I just wrote about. It characterises me in my ontogenetic development. It's crucial to remind that some people don't change much during their lives or their essence changes just a bit (thank God, I don't belong to the latter). As I am a child of the 1980s, I perceive myself as a victim of postmodernism in static meaning - a big part of my inner world has been affected by the cultural context I was born into and where I am at the moment. Only in the frames of that I am able to improve and create such theories as one given above.